If you know me, I am a sucker for self help books. I’ve read You are a Badass by Jen Sincero and 15 Things You Should Give Up to be Happy by Luminita D. Saviuc. They really push me to help me know my worth of being the happiest I can be and not to let things hold me back…for the time being.
Well recently I bought 52 Lists for Happiness by Moorea Seal, and of course the word happiness stuck out and latched onto my heart so I had to buy it. Every week you’re supposed to dedicate your week to a list, (I kinda cheated and got over excited and should be on list 5 but I’m on list 6). But List 6 is the one that relates to the topic that I choose to talk to y’all on Mondays: Trauma. I have a lot of trauma in my life and in my last blog I didn’t handle it well and ended up lashing out at people close to me in my life, which added on to the stress of year 2016 – such a bad year. So this time around I decided to allow one day to Trauma and I will talk about it in the way that I feel is positive for myself and others while being informative. But back to what list 6 is. List 6 is “List the things (from past and present) that feel like blockades in the way of happiness.” Now for me the only blockades I have are trauma related, whether it seems like it or not. I’ll go ahead and post what I wrote down for past and present.
– sexual assaults (6)
– rapes (2)
– verbally abusive relatinships (1)
– manipulative relationships (3)
– being used and cheated one (more than I can count)
– bad relationships with family member
– not in school
– work 2 minimum wage jobs
– all my friends have graduated, even if they are younger than me
Now these are my lists. I have put my problems right out on the table. It’s almost a relief to be written down, but a worry. Trauma is something that no one wants to have but yet everyone holds onto because they believe its the only thing that defines them anymore. That sweet little girl I was before all of this, will never come back. But then you have to realize tht strong brave women you are right now shows you can not be defeated, no matter how much they try to break you and take away your worth. Just because you do not believe you are worthy does not mean you do not have worth. God gave you worth and He will always be here for you to push through these hard times. Although these hard times seem like forever, there will be light, patience is just the key. Keep one working and you will find what you are looking for.
The last thing List 6 states is at the bottom: “Look back a List 5 and see if any of your past great decisions can influence how you handle the things that currently stand in the way of your happiness.” And I will put my List 5 down here and highlight what I believe will help me find my happiness.
– moving to colorado
– accepting God into my life
– accepting the single life
– my love for art
– accepting (most) of my trauma
– making the decision to go back to school
I think that now that I have these Lists of mine out in the open its more helpful to me than it is just writing it down in the journal and forgetting about it until next week when I look at it. It definitely helped me put out all the trauma I am struggling with still unto this day, and that is an overwhelming thought if that. I just hope it all works out for the better.