Lately, a lot of people in my life have been questioning if it is really worth me going back to school in the fall, like as if I don’t have what it takes. Like I understand that my last semester that I was actually in school (not that I don’t count CCA, but it wasn’t the “college environment” that we all know and love), it was a hard time for me. I was raped for the second time and it caused me to withdraw. From activities, from people, from even school – the classes, the work, and the actual institution. I understand everyone is still worried about me. I understand that it would be better if I made money first. But that is just not me.
If I do not try to go back to school in the fall, I am telling you right now. I will never go back. And if I never go back, I will forever hate myself. Y’all ever want something so bad, something you have so much passion and excitement for, and the people closest to you tell you that you should do something else? That they doubt that you’re ready for something like this.
I cried so much today because of this, amongst other things, but mainly this. I pride education in myself. The fact that I went 4.5 years of college and not only didn’t graduate, but I withdrew from school a semester before graduation. If that doesn’t make me a failure, then I don’t know what does. Til this day, I still beat myself up over it. I have all my friends (most of them) all graduated and in their big girl jobs. Even friends younger than me. I’ve never been so happy for them for succeeding. But I feel like the one left out. The one who can’t do anything for herself. The one who has to work two minimum wage jobs and live with her parents because everything I want to do I can’t obtain. At least one of my jobs has benefits.
Everyone pushes me to do everything but finish my education. I, just for once, want to be proud of myself for finishing something important to me. And I, for once, want someone to see what see as important and support me through it, whether they believe I can do it or not. I understand college is hard, I went through it for nearly 5 years. I understand I’ll be going for probably at least 2 more years because of how credits transfer. And I especially understand that college is expensive. I am not stupid.