GET IT OUT
Write down any feelings of distance that are making you weary. Is there someone you’re missing? Is your heart aching and tired? Do you feel distant from god?
My current feeling of distance is one that I should be ashamed of saying. One that all the close people in my life from college and my family members would threaten to shun me for. One that my best friend would try to slap some sense into me for. One that I feel completely, and currently empty without. That my abusive ex, who I was still in contact with, told me he was changing his number Saturday. Out of both of us, he will be the only one that has my number. I will have no way of contacting him. He said if we continue talking, he feels as if he will hold me back from happiness. But we only ever talked when he texted me.
I unblocked him about 8 months ago. I don’t like the feeling of hate and regret. Especially for those who I care for and love. This was a decision I made on my own. A decision I did not converse with anyone else, because no one else could understand. I was not trying to get back into a relationship with him, I was not stupid. I just wanted to be able to have a connection with him. I knew underneath all of the abuse there was someone real. Heck he showed it to me when I least expected it. I didn’t fall in love with him because I had no choice. I fell in love with his soft side. But like in every situation, the bad outweighs the good, and people only ever see the bad. And people only ever complain about the bad.
Yes, he stripped my worth, to the point where I only thought he was good for me. Yes, I am more damaged than a book that was set on fire and washed off, now crinkled and frail. And any guy that tries to date me fails, because I refuse to let them in fully. But what I have learned is this. God puts the strongest people through the toughest situations because He knows they will survive. Not only will they survive but they will become stronger and do wonders for another person’s life. Now, I am waiting on the second part, but in the mean time, I waddle and try to figure out where I went wrong.
My ex’s goal is for me to be happy and forget about him. But what he doesn’t understand is that you cannot forget your first love. Especially when they put such an impact on your life that altered how you feel about relationships now. I do not know how many dates I’ve been on and on the first one I always state that I am never getting married and I am never having kids. Needless to say, there were never a second date on those ones. I understand his respect for wanting me to get better. But it’s like not having his number or a connection to him feels like I’ve been stripped a layer of what makes me well me. Like there is a distance between of who I was and who I am supposed to be today, but I don’t know this person. And I am not sure if I want to know this person. She is out of my comfort zone. To face her, that would mean I have to dive into reality, and I don’t think I can do that. But since he stripped me, now, I do not think I have a choice.
Isaiah 40:21-28: “(21)Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? (22)He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretched out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. (23)He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. (24)No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground than he blows on them and they wither and a whirlwind sweeps them away like a chaff. (25)To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal? says the Holy One. (26)Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. (27)Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God? (28)Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and he is understanding no one can fathom.”
Hebrews 12:13: “Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”
Philippians 3:13-14: “(13)Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one this I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, (14)I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
2 Timothy 4:7-8: ” (7)I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (8)Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the LORD, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day – and not only to me but also to all who have longed for his appearing.”
Deuteronomy 31:6: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Stop and pay attention to God. We experience more of what we pay attention to. So put down your phones. Put down your devices. Pay attention to the people around you. Pay attention to the long path in front of you. Pay attention to God. His hope, strength, and endurance will guide you to your hope, strength, and endurance.
THE BIG IDEA: ENDURE TO THE END
disclaimer: I got the devotional from Jordan Lee SoulScripts. I have edited some of it with my own story.