To Be Noticed 

All I ask is to be noticed. Not the noticed in “hey parents, look what I did today.” The noticed in that I don’t have to tell you I did something good. The noticed that you see me trying and changing for the better. The noticed that you are proud that I am you daughter. I’m not asking for a pat on the back every time I go to work. Or a congratulations every time I pay my bills on time. I want to be appreciated. I want to know that you love me and I’m not a fuck up disappointment. 

I want you to notice that I’m overworking myself to make my own money because I dread asking you for money. I want you then to notice that because I am overworked, that I’m overly exhausted and sensitive that it causes me to trip up and miss work once or twice or cry for the first time in months. I want you to notice that I’m trying to get my life together so you don’t have to complain about me to other people.

I want you to notice that I am determined to finish school. That i am working and trying to do this school thing on my own without your help, hence me barely talking to you about it. Ever think I’m not communicating because I want to surprise you with how good I can be, not because I hate you. I just want to prove that I can do things on my own. 

But I’ve now noticed that you don’t notice me unless I make you notice me. And I pray one day you notice me without me asking you to notice me. One day I hope you notice that the way I apologize and forgive and love is by actions I hope you notice me with. I hope you notice one day that I’m trying to make you proud. But until that day, I’ll just stand down. 

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