Word of Thought

I just finished binge watching 13 Reasons Why amongst the past 3 days. I have never connected to a fictional character in my entire life. I have never resonated with someone or a story or a show ever. Hannah Baker’s life in the show was my life at Appalachian State. The worst five and a half years in my life.

I was hated amongst the black community because I was a light skinned female. I was hated because my freshman roommate had spread more rumors than I could count, all the way through junior year. Ever since my first semester, everyone had their own thoughts about me before even meeting me. Because of what one person said, or because I wouldn’t put out for a guy, I was automatically a slut or a bitch.

I spent five and a half years holding in all my assaults, all my rapes, all my abusive relationships. Yes, I had sex and drank but so did everyone else. But because someone hated me from the get go, because I was a pretty fucking new freshman girl, because the rumors are more important than what I actually know is true, I was the one in the wrong. It was okay to attack me.

While I was in my abusive relationships, females would feed into the manipulation and encourage my abusive boyfriends to never trust me. Then turn around and be friendly to my face. Sorry loves, I knew what y’all did.

My favorite questions when sharing my sexual assaults and rapes are “why didn’t you scream?” , “why didn’t you say no?” , “why didn’t you call for help?”. Have you every been in a situation where you can’t move, you have lost control, you try to fight back but you’re too weak? you’re frozen? you just cry and hope they notice you’re in pain? you pray and hope that it stops? no probably not.

If most of you knew who have sexually assaulted me , who has raped me, I guarantee you will call bullshit. You will say I am looking for attention. Because I have had friends at the school who have been raped and sexually assault and those fucking athletes would purposely blame the victim. Because your reasons are “she was drunk, so she was asking for it.” “she has sex all the time so what’s the difference now?” “she was dressed for it.” But my favorite, “she ruined our team.” No. you can control your fucking dick and your hands, but you chose to force yourself onto the female.

My freshman year of college was hell. I threatened to kill myself. And disappeared the same night. I obviously didn’t follow through. But through out college at Appalachian State, the suicidal thoughts didn’t leave. As the assaults continued, my thoughts of suicide increase and formed into other ways. Running through traffic and drinking myself to death were ways that crossed my mind in the abusive relationships, through the doubts of my friends, to escape the assaults.

I am one of the few people who have been assaulted 8 times by 8 different men who can function a semi normal life. I can also talk about rape and sexual assault because I believe people need to be informed. And not every time someone is raped or assaulted is for attention. I hate the sympathy that follows it though. Sorry means that it won’t happen again. I don’t believe that. I still have triggers. I still have PTSD. I still fear being around certain males. You don’t know it won’t happen again.

Fact: I have never been more happy that I left Appalachian State and proving all these people wrong that I wasn’t happy there.

Fact: I am surviving, struggling, but surviving.

Fact: I am not suicidal anymore since I moved across the country.

Fact: My PTSD is the most prevalent thing in my life right now.

Fact: One day I will list off all my assaulters and abusers because the world has to know.

Fact: Fuck Watauga County police and the DA for saying “in God’s eyes its wrong.” No shit. But that was your way of half acknowledging but not even trying because he was frat and an athlete.

Last but not least, inform yourself and stop blaming the victim. And stop asking victimizing questions.

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